End the Quarrels: Finding Peace Beyond Anger and Conflict | Calm Mind

End the Quarrels: Finding Peace Beyond Anger and Conflict

    Quarrels are often underestimated. Many think they are just temporary outbursts of anger or disagreements that will eventually fade away. But if you carefully observe, quarrels never bring peace. They disturb your sleep, destroy your inner calm, weaken relationships, and leave scars on your heart. Sometimes they escalate into tragedies broken families, lifelong hatred, violent crimes, or even suicides. Quarrels are like fire; even a small spark can burn down an entire house if left unchecked.

This article explores why quarrels make life worse, how they affect the body, mind, and relationships, and what Buddhist wisdom especially the Kodhana Sutta teaches us about overcoming anger.

The True Nature of Quarrels

• Quarrels are not simply disagreements.

• They are fueled by anger, ego, and an unwillingness to listen.

• Even when they end, they leave behind bitterness and a disturbed heart.

Think of your past experiences after a heated quarrel, did you ever feel truly calm? Did you sleep peacefully? Did your face look pleasant in the mirror the next day? Definitely not.

Why Quarrels Damage Your Mind

When anger takes control during a quarrel:

• Your concentration breaks.

• Your ability to think rationally vanishes.

• You feel restless, replaying the argument again and again.

A quarreling mind is like a stormy ocean nothing reflects clearly, and peace disappears.

Why Quarrels Damage Your Body

Science also confirms that quarrels trigger stress hormones.

• Heart rate increases.

• Blood pressure rises.

• Immunity weakens.

• Long-term quarrels even lead to chronic illnesses like heart disease.

Simply put, your body pays the price for your anger.

Why Quarrels Destroy Relationships

• Couples who constantly argue rarely enjoy long-lasting love.

• Families break apart because no one wants to give up their pride.

• Friendships end when words cut deeper than knives.

• Even neighbors or colleagues become lifelong enemies after repeated quarrels.

A single word spoken in anger can destroy years of trust.

The Long-Term Dangers of Quarrels

Quarrels are not harmless. If left unchecked:

• Some turn into violent fights.

• Some create long-term revenge cycles.

• Some drag people into underworld violence.

• Some end with tragic stories of suicide or murder.

In every corner of society, quarrels bring suffering—not happiness.

The Root Cause: Anger

Every quarrel grows from a seed of anger.

• Anger blinds the mind.

• Anger destroys patience.

• Anger spreads negativity like poison.

Even the most peaceful person, when overwhelmed by injustice, can fall into the trap of quarreling if patience breaks.

Buddhist Perspective on Quarrels

The Buddha clearly warned about the dangers of anger. In Theravāda Buddhism, anger is seen as one of the three unwholesome roots (lobha, dosa, moha – greed, hatred, delusion). Among them, dosa (anger) is the driving force behind quarrels.

Kodhana Sutta

The Kodhana Sutta beautifully explains the destructive nature of anger. It lists seven consequences of an angry person:

Kodhana Sutta

An Angry Person

“These seven things pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim come to a man or woman who is angry. Which seven?

“There is the case where an enemy wishes of an enemy, ‘O, may this person be ugly!’ Why is that? An enemy is not pleased with an enemy’s good looks. Now, when a person is angry overcome with anger, oppressed with anger then even though that he may be well-bathed, well-anointed, dressed in white clothes, his hair & beard neatly trimmed, he is ugly nevertheless, all because he is overcome with anger. This is the first thing pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim, that comes to a man or woman who is angry.

“And further, an enemy wishes of an enemy, ‘O, may this person sleep badly!’ Why is that? An enemy is not pleased with an enemy’s restful sleep. Now, when a person is angry overcome with anger, oppressed with anger then even though he sleeps on a bed spread with a white blanket, spread with a woolen coverlet, spread with a flower-embroidered bedspread, covered with a rug of deerskins, with a canopy overhead, or on a sofa with red cushions at either end, he sleeps badly nevertheless, all because he is overcome with anger. This is the second thing pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim, that comes to a man or woman who is angry.

“And further, an enemy wishes of an enemy, ‘O, may this person not profit!’ Why is that? An enemy is not pleased with an enemy’s profits. Now, when a person is angry overcome with anger, oppressed with anger then even when he suffers a loss, he thinks, ‘I’ve gained a profit’; and even when he gains a profit, he thinks, ‘I’ve suffered a loss.’ When he has grabbed hold of these ideas that work in mutual opposition (to the truth), they lead to his long-term suffering & loss, all because he is overcome with anger. This is the third thing pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim, that comes to a man or woman who is angry.

“And further, an enemy wishes of an enemy, ‘O, may this person not have any wealth!’ Why is that? An enemy is not pleased with an enemy’s wealth. Now, when a person is angry overcome with anger, oppressed with anger then whatever his wealth, earned through his efforts & enterprise, amassed through the strength of his arm, and piled up through the sweat of his brow righteous wealth righteously gained the king orders it sent to the royal treasury [in payment of fines levied for his behavior] all because he is overcome with anger. This is the fourth thing pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim, that comes to a man or woman who is angry.

“And further, an enemy wishes of an enemy, ‘O, may this person not have any reputation!’ Why is that? An enemy is not pleased with an enemy’s reputation. Now, when a person is angry overcome with anger, oppressed with anger whatever reputation he has gained from being heedful, it falls away, all because he is overcome with anger. This is the fifth thing pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim, that comes to a man or woman who is angry.

“And further, an enemy wishes of an enemy, ‘O, may this person not have any friends!’ Why is that? An enemy is not pleased with an enemy’s having friends. Now, when a person is angry overcome with anger, oppressed with anger his friends, companions, & relatives will avoid him from afar, all because he is overcome with anger. This is the sixth thing pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim, that comes to a man or woman who is angry.

“And further, an enemy wishes of an enemy, ‘O, may this person, on the break-up of the body, after death, reappear in a plane of deprivation, a bad destination, a lower realm, hell!’ Why is that? An enemy is not pleased with an enemy’s going to heaven. Now, when a person is angry overcome with anger, oppressed with anger he engages in misconduct with the body, misconduct with speech, misconduct with the mind. Having engaged in misconduct with the body, misconduct with speech, misconduct with the mind, then on the break-up of the body, after death he reappears in a plane of deprivation, a bad destination, a lower realm, hell, all because he was overcome with anger. This is the seventh thing pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim, that comes to a man or woman who is angry.

“These are the seven things pleasing to an enemy, bringing about an enemy’s aim that come to a man or woman who is angry.”

An angry person is ugly & sleeps poorly.

Gaining a profit, he turns it into a loss,

having done damage with word & deed.

A person overwhelmed with anger

destroys his wealth.

Maddened with anger,

he destroys his status.

Relatives, friends, & colleagues avoid him.

Anger brings loss.

Anger inflames the mind.

He doesn’t realize

that his danger is born from within.

An angry person

doesn’t know his own benefit.

An angry person

doesn’t see the Dhamma.

A man conquered by anger

is in a mass of darkness.

He takes pleasure in bad deeds

as if they were good,

but later, when his anger is gone,

he suffers as if burned with fire.

He is spoiled, blotted out,

like fire enveloped in smoke.

When anger spreads,

when a man becomes angry,

he has no shame, no compunction,

is not respectful in speech.

For a person overcome with anger,

nothing gives light.

I’ll list the deeds that bring remorse,

that are far from the teachings.

Listen!

An angry person

kills his father,

kills his mother,

kills Brahmans

& people run-of-the-mill.

It’s because of a mother’s devotion

that one sees the world,

yet an angry run-of-the-mill person

can kill this giver of life.

Like oneself, all beings hold themselves most dear,

yet an angry person, deranged,

can kill himself in many ways:

with a sword, taking poison,

hanging himself by a rope in a mountain glen.

Doing these deeds

that kill beings and do violence to himself,

the angry person doesn’t realize he’s ruined.

This snare of Māra, in the form of anger,

dwelling in the cave of the heart:

Cut it out with self-control,

discernment, persistence, right view.

The wise would cut out

each & every form of unskillfulness.

Train yourselves:

‘May we not be blotted out.’

Free from anger & untroubled,

free from greed, without longing,

tamed, your anger abandoned,

effluent-free, you will be

unbound.

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Explaining the Seven Consequences of Anger

1. The angry person looks ugly – Quarrels change the face, making it unpleasant.

2. He sleeps poorly – Anger robs rest and brings nightmares.

3. He loses wealth – Quarrels at work and business reduce opportunities.

4. His reputation falls – No one admires a quarrelsome person.

5. He loses friends – Anger drives loved ones away.

6. His speech becomes harsh – Words born of anger wound like swords.

7. He ends up in hellish suffering – Spiritually, anger pulls the mind into deep darkness.

This timeless wisdom shows that quarrels never benefit anyone.

Real-Life Examples of Quarrels Leading to Suffering

• Couples who start with small arguments and end in divorce.

• Families that stop speaking for decades due to inheritance quarrels.

• Friends who turn enemies over a business deal.

• Neighbors who take petty disputes to violent extremes.

Everywhere we look, quarrels destroy harmony.

Why People Still Quarrel Despite Knowing the Harm

• Ego refuses to admit mistakes.

• Desire to prove superiority.

• Lack of patience and mindfulness.

• Habitual anger carried from childhood.

Quarreling becomes an automatic reaction instead of a thoughtful choice.

How Quarrels Weaken Society

When individuals quarrel:

• Families break.

• Communities suffer.

• Nations fall into war.

From small households to entire civilizations, quarrels are seeds of destruction.

How to Avoid Quarrels in Daily Life

1. Pause before reacting – Take a deep breath before replying.

2. Listen actively – Try to understand, not just argue.

3. Let go of ego – Winning an argument is not worth losing peace.

4. Use kind speech – Words can heal or hurt choose wisely.

5. Walk away if necessary – Silence is better than violence.

The Role of Patience in Overcoming Quarrels

Patience is the shield against anger.

• Like water extinguishing fire, patience cools anger.

• Without patience, even small sparks turn into big flames.

• Developing patience through mindfulness prevents quarrels.

Mindfulness as a Medicine Against Anger

Meditation helps calm the restless mind.

• Observing the breath during anger reduces intensity.

• Mindfulness reminds us that quarrels are temporary and not worth lasting pain.

• Compassion meditation replaces anger with kindness.

Quarrels and the Path to Liberation

In Buddhism, liberation (Nibbāna) means freedom from suffering.

• Quarrels trap us in cycles of hatred and revenge.

• They distance us from inner freedom.

• By abandoning anger, we move closer to true liberation.

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Conclusion

Quarrels never bring peace. They make life worse in every possible way weakening body, disturbing mind, destroying relationships, and blocking spiritual growth. Anger is the root cause, and patience, mindfulness, and compassion are the cures.

If we truly care about happiness and harmony, we must stop admiring quarrels and instead cultivate peace in every interaction.

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FAQs

1. Can quarrels ever be positive?

No, quarrels are fueled by anger and ego. While disagreements can lead to growth if handled calmly, quarrels only damage relationships.

2. Why do people feel restless after a quarrel?

Because anger triggers stress, disturbs the mind, and prevents relaxation, leading to sleeplessness and anxiety.

3. How does Buddhism view quarrels?

Buddhism teaches that quarrels arise from anger (dosa), one of the three unwholesome roots. They must be overcome through patience, mindfulness, and compassion.

4. What is the best way to stop quarreling?

Pause, breathe, and reflect before responding. Kind speech and patience prevent unnecessary conflict.

5. Can meditation really help reduce quarrels?

Yes, mindfulness and compassion meditation calm the mind, making it less likely to react with anger.

Namo Buddhaya!